On Being Happy.

For the first time in a long time, I feel genuinely happy. For the past two months or so, I’ve just felt… content.

And it’s weirding me out. I’ve spent so much of my life being unhappy, I don’t know how to behave when I’m not.

I just feel like there’s nothing weighing me down right now. I dropped out of school, work is great, my family life is fairly stable, and I think that I’ve changed and grown a lot in the past year. Thanks in large part to the ridiculously flawed relationship I had with my ex-boyfriend. I really hope our relationship didn’t have a negative effect on him, because I think on many levels I spent a good chunk of it subconsciously taking advantage of his good nature to better myself. I used to have this terrible attachment problem, but in being with someone that a lot of the time I wasn’t all that attached to, I learned how to be with someone without losing myself. I still have miles to go before I can have an open, honest, and level relationship with anyone - but Brian was a big stepping stone for me. I know I should feel bad about how I treated him, and in many ways I do, but I can’t dwell on it. It’s not as though I cheated on him, or betrayed him in any way, I just don’t think I CARED as much as he did.

And I’m not going to beat myself up about it. There’s nothing I can do about it now. And that’s how I’m trying to view more things in my life - if it’s in the past, there’s nothing I can do about it now. There’s no sense in holding a grudge, or crying over spilt milk. I’ve put so much time and energy into negativity that just a few months of trying to be a generally positive person have completely changed me. Sure, I still complain too much, talk too much, and worry too much - but I can’t expect to change everything overnight. What I can expect is to know myself better, understand why I react certain ways, understand how to reign myself in, and learn what I want out of life and my future.

So, I’m taking baby steps. Baby steps towards happiness and the rest of my life.