Being Sarah Marshall

To start, I feel something of a prelude is necessary. I’ve only had one romantic relationship in my life that lasted over three months. This, of course, not counting any unrequited obsessions with celebrities. The relationship in question lasted for a little over a year, and ended a little over a month ago. Anyone who has ever broken up with someone knows that your feelings don’t just turn off, and you can never be completely confident in your decision. Despite this and quite few bouts with tears and an unnecessary amount of whining to my dad and best friends, I’m doing a good job of moving on. Except for the unnecessary amount of cyber-stalking. I’ll blame being raised in the information age for that.

Due to said cyber-stalking, I am under the impression that my ex, Brian, has begun to see me as a Sarah Marshall. Normally I would accept any comparison to the beautiful and talented Kristen Bell with open arms, but under the circumstances I’m understandably unflattered. After all, I didn’t carry on a second relationship with a creepy British rock star for 20% of our relationship, and I absolutely didn’t leave him for someone else.

Admittedly, I was kissed by two other men during our relationship, although both instances were over eight months ago, and involved a shocking amount of liquor. Neither instance was followed by anything other than me shouting and leaving, so they were never mentioned to my ex. If he happens to be reading this, he should know that neither of the aforementioned men are named Scott. And anyway, being kissed and being adulterous are two very different things.

Through tumblr, Brian has said things that anyone who knows him could easily see were aimed at me. Or, I could be a paranoid schizophrenic. We won’t rule that out. Some of them were reactions to things I had posted, tweeted, and texted. Okay, most of them.

I guess that does make me a bit of a Sarah Marshall. While I don’t have a new relationship to flaunt in front of him, I have been flaunting my newfound freedom. Although I haven’t done anything as low as faking it with Aldous Snow just to put on a show, I have probably been overly affectionate with him in public.

I’m not innocent. I left him, and I’m sure it seemed fairly out of the blue at the time. But, much like Sarah Marshall, I had my reasons. I’m not going to list them here, and as much as I would like to say it was really all his fault, it wasn’t. So, if I need to be Sarah Marshall so he can get over it, I’ll be Sarah Marshall. If he gets a puppeteering career out of it, I’ll expect to see my name on the credits.